Your Calm Marriage Doesn’t Mean Your Relationship is Fine: What Psychology Says?

SadaNews - A calm marriage may seem like a sign of maturity and stability from the outside, but many relationships that end in separation were not filled with daily quarrels to begin with. Sometimes, the absence of conflict is not a sign of understanding but rather an indicator of a long-standing emotional chill that has been coexisted with silently.

Specialized psychological research on marital relationships indicates that some couples fail even when disputes between them are low because the real issue does not always lie in the frequency of arguments but rather in declining emotional connection, reduced positive interactions, and the transformation of the relationship into a routine devoid of mutual interest and curiosity.

Calmness Doesn’t Indicate a Healthy Relationship

American researcher John Gottman, one of the prominent specialists in marriage studies, believes that some relationships seem calm only because both partners have actually stopped emotionally engaging with each other.

His research shows that the absence of discussions does not always indicate harmony but may reflect a decline in emotional communication and an attempt to avoid interaction altogether. This is linked to a long-term decrease in marital satisfaction.

Emotional Withdrawal

Multiple studies indicate that emotional withdrawal within a relationship is one of the most closely associated indicators of marital decline, and it may sometimes be more dangerous than heated arguments.

This behavior is known as "withdrawal" or "emotional closing" during interaction, when one partner stops responding, listening, or emotionally participating. Gottman categorized it among what he calls "The Four Horsemen" most destructive to marital relationships.

Research published in scientific journals including "PubMed" indicates that this withdrawal is linked to increased chances of separation over time, as it creates a cumulative feeling of neglect and loneliness within the relationship, even in the absence of direct conflicts.

A Relationship Doesn’t Thrive on the Absence of Arguments

Some recent studies focus on the idea that the success of a relationship does not only depend on reducing negative behaviors but also on having a sufficient level of positive interaction.

According to Gottman's research, stable relationships require a higher rate of positive interactions compared to negative ones, which include attention, listening, appreciation, empathy, and small daily gestures.

He points out that some couples succeed in avoiding conflicts but fail to build genuine moments of closeness, gradually turning the relationship into a functional partnership for managing life only, without a real sense of emotional closeness.

Disappearance of Curiosity Towards the Partner

One of the early signs that draws specialists' attention is the decline of emotional curiosity between the spouses, meaning that one partner has stopped showing interest in the other’s daily details, feelings, or psychological changes.

Researchers in relationship science view mutual curiosity as a key element in maintaining attachment, as it reflects continued interest in the partner as a living, changing person, rather than merely a fixed part of daily routine.

When the small questions, follow-ups, and the desire to know how the other feels start to fade away, the relationship begins to gradually lose its vitality, even if it continues without obvious problems.

A Routine Without Life

A recent study titled "The Positive Outcomes of Long-Term Relationship Satisfaction Pathways in Stable Romantic Couples" published in the International Journal of Applied Positive Psychology indicates that long relationships do not often collapse due to heated conflicts but rather due to a gradual decline in emotional interaction and mutual interest.

Researchers found - after following couples for 10 years - that the most stable and satisfying relationships were those where both parties maintained emotional communication and shared activities, while rigid routine relationships were linked to decreased feelings of closeness and vitality over time.

In many long-term relationships, communication becomes limited to daily practical details, such as responsibilities and obligations, while the shared emotional spaces decline. Over time, both parties may feel that the relationship is externally stable but has lost vitality and genuine interest.

Declining Expectations Doesn’t Always Succeed

Some couples eventually resort to lowering their emotional expectations about the relationship, not due to understanding, but as a result of adapting to repeated disappointments or feelings of futility.

In this case, one partner stops seeking attention, discussion, or closeness, making the marriage appear calmer, but it becomes less satisfying and psychologically fulfilling.

Research on marital satisfaction indicates that this type of "emotional surrender" may mask a deep decline in the healthy relationship, even if both parties seem to coexist normally in front of others.

Healthy relationships are not those completely devoid of disputes, but those in which both parties are capable of dialogue and showing interest while renewing emotional closeness despite the pressures of daily life. The calmest relationships can eventually turn into "cold stability" if genuine human interaction is absent.

Source: Al Jazeera