Do You Know How to Comfort Someone Who is Crying? Here's What to Say and Do in Tough Moments

SadaNews - Some people become confused when someone suddenly bursts into tears due to a difficult situation, such as the death of a relative, leaving them unsure about what to say or do. They might simply express sadness about what has happened with brief words. This behavior can leave others with an impression of harshness and emotional numbness.

However, this is not the case, according to an article on the American site "Time." These people want to offer help, but they are burdened by emotions, causing this confusion. The question remains: how can you behave when someone in front of you starts crying?

Resist the urge to try to fix the situation

Most of us have the desire to say or do something to stop others' tears, driven by love, but this might be the wrong step, as "Time" relays from Amanda Holmstrom, a professor in the Department of Media and Communication at Michigan State University. She explains that we try to fix things "maybe for the person going through the situation, and perhaps to lessen our own discomfort."

However, she clarifies that when someone is facing a tough situation, they are usually not in a place to hear the ideal words, meaning you don't need to pressure yourself to find them.

"Don't grab the tissues too quickly," was one of the first lessons Betty Viril learned as the Director of Nursing Research and Education at City of Hope in Duarte, California, and as a nurse for 49 years who contributed to building the field of elder care when it was a completely new idea.

She says that if I were crying and saw you bringing me tissues, I would think: "I should stop crying." Instead, she suggests taking a deep breath and approaching the person rather than backing away, as this sends a message: "I am here, and I am not afraid of your tears."

Amanda Holmstrom explains that if you don’t know what to say, don't say anything. Sometimes, sitting near the person in distress is more beneficial because it reassures them, without a word, that you are not going anywhere.

What to say when the tears begin to stop

Betty Viril advises avoiding questions that require a yes or no answer, especially the question "Are you okay?" because it means: "You better get better." Instead, she suggests using phrases like "I heard what happened. I'm so sorry," and then be quiet, letting them talk while you listen.

Researchers say that when a person recounts the situation they faced, a process called "cognitive reappraisal" occurs, which is one of the most powerful coping tools. It allows the person to start distancing themselves from the difficult situation they experienced.

What to do when you see a stranger crying?

Should you say or do something if you encounter a stranger crying in a public place, such as a train or in a grocery store? Do you pretend you didn’t notice? Amanda Holmstrom says you should act according to the context. You can realize they are trying to hide their tears, and it would be nice of you to let them be, whereas if they seem ready to talk and interact, you could approach them and offer help, suggesting phrases like: "You look upset, what’s going on?" or "Can I call someone? Do you need something?"

She urges not to hesitate even if you can’t decide whether you should intervene. She adds that the worst you can expect is for the person to say: "No, I'm fine," noting that you wouldn’t have lost anything in this instance.

What you should avoid when someone is crying

Some common comforting phrases like "You're strong, you can handle this" tend to worsen things, and they all share one flaw: downplaying the problem. Experts also advise avoiding offering advice when a person is in a tough situation.

"Don't cry": Among the phrases experts suggest stopping using, as it diminishes the issue, Amanda Holmstrom clarifies that "tears are not an option a person can easily stop." It also adds another burden, as they feel they must also manage your discomfort.

The silver lining: It’s tempting to look for the positive side in hard situations, such as saying "At least it happened now and not later" or "At least you're still healthy." But Amanda Holmstrom warns against this, explaining that people are actually trying to find bright sides in what’s happening, and she views your advice as a denial of the pain they’re feeling.

"I’ve been through this before": While this phrase might help someone feel they are not alone, experts advise against overdoing it and shifting the conversation to yourself. Amanda elaborates that this will make others feel they also need to comfort you.

 

Source: Time